Director: Kevin Reynolds
Entertainment grade: D+
History grade: Fail
Robin Hood is a legendary English outlaw, usually dated to the reign of Richard I or John in the late 12th- or early-13th century.
Geography
The gaffes start with the very first title card, which states that Richard the Lionheart led the Third Crusade to reclaim the Holy Land from the Turks. He'd have been a bit late. The Turks left a whole century earlier. By 1194 – when this film is set – the Holy Land was under the control of the Saracens. Before you know it, Robin of Loxley has escaped a Turkish (or possibly Saracen) jail, along with improbable Moorish sidekick Azeem. They arrive back at Dover, where Robin cheerfully proclaims that it will only take them until nightfall to walk to his father's castle. Even if you had a car, from Dover to Loxley would take you five hours. Robin and Azeem only have feet. Worse still, Robin takes the scenic route, via Hadrian's Wall – a diversion of another 300 miles.
Technology
Scanning the horizon, Azeem notices one of the evil Sheriff of Nottingham's men in the distance, and whips out his telescope to have a closer look. Though the Islamic world was far ahead of Christian civilisation in many aspects of science and technology, it wasn't ahead in telescopes, which were invented in the Netherlands in 1608.
Dialogue
Robin biffs off to the forest to lead the outlaws, a bunch of merry men (and the occasional woman) who keep shouting words such as "bollocks" and "tosspot". These expressions were not in recorded use until the 18th- and 16th-century respectively, but the screenplay is in modern rather than Middle English, so fair enough.
Details
Having bonded over anachronistic swearing, Robin and his band build a sort of Ewok village in a bosky glade, complete with rope ladders, engineered lifts, mood lighting, canopy-level walkways, and a mosque for Azeem. If medieval peasants, with nothing but the natural resources of the forest around them, could build this sort of thing, why did they mostly live in filthy huts made of sticks and manure?
Economics
The Sheriff's scribe frets about the cost of Robin's larceny: "We reckon he's nicked three to four million in the last five months, sire." Bearing in mind that the exchequer receipts for all of England in 1194 came to £25,000, this is impressive thievery. Even if the scribe is counting in pre-decimalisation pennies, Robin has managed to steal more than the entire crown revenue for five months, notionally equivalent to around £250bn today. Admittedly, with that sort of cash, Robin probably could have had as many canopy-level walkways as he wanted. Still, you'd think people would stop driving money carts through Sherwood Forest after the first billion or so.
Warfare
The Sheriff calls in the Scottish Celts to fight Robin. A load of big, hairy, dirty, woady savages turn up, looking like they've just arrived from the second century, and setting bits of themselves on fire for kicks. You wouldn't find any of this lot among the refined society of 12th-century Franco-Gaelic Scotland, unless they were going to a fancy-dress party.
Romance
The Sheriff believes that marrying Lady Marian, the Lionheart's cousin, will give him a claim to the throne. In reality, the Lionheart didn't have any cousins on his English side. Even if he did, the Sheriff would have had to contend with the King of Castile, the Duke of Saxony, the Duke of Brittany and the Lionheart's own brother, John, all of whom had a much stronger claim, as well as proper armies not made up of blatantly fake Celts a millennium past their unleash-by date.
Verdict
Alan Rickman, playing the Sheriff, seems to be the only person in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves who has realised it's a pantomime. Consequently, he is hilarious, and everything else in the film is terrible. Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas.