Johnny Depp's Mortdecai stinks up the joint

by Janet Smith on January 26th, 2015 at 12:38 PM

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Starring Johnny Depp and Gwyneth Paltrow. Rated PG. Now playing

One of the gags in Mortdecai concerns a cheese cupboard so rank that the title character’s “manservant” has to use rubber gloves and hold his nose to fetch a piece for a guest.

Sorry, old chap, as Charles Mortdecai might say, but the reeking collection is too perfect a metaphor for this entire movie: cheese so overaged, so past its pull date, and so excessive that it stinks up the joint.

For about five minutes, it’s funny watching Johnny Depp create a new, bizarre character—a pretentious, dimwitted art collector who has just grown a handlebar mustache and is prone to lines like, “The domain of a man’s upper lip is sacred ground.” He dwells in a dated British world where ascots and booze decanters are omnipresent, and he gets caught up in a stolen-art escapade that takes him to Hong Kong, Moscow, London, and L.A., with MI5 (Ewan McGregor), Russian gangs, and others in tow.

The nonsensical script is an ode to classic Brit capers, based on Kyril Bonfiglioli’s 1973 Charlie Mortdecai novel Don’t Point That Thing at Me. The problem is it all runs at an equally retro pace that might have pleased during the predigital age but lags today. Think an odd and seemingly endless mix of car chases, palatial mansions, libraries with overstuffed chairs, vomit jokes, and Benny Hill–issue gags about Mortdecai getting caught by his icy wife (Gwyneth Paltrow) with his hands on another woman’s breasts. You could say it’s The Pink Panther meets Austin Powers, but that would make it sound a lot wittier than it is.

The A-list actors here are clearly having a ball with their overcooked stiff-uppah-lip accents, but the real laughs are rare. As Jock, a manservant/thug with an “enviable rate of intercourse”, Paul Bettany is a riot: in one scene, he keeps punching people, even after his arms are set on fire. And McGregor has some great blue-ball moments pining silently for the untouchable Paltrow.

As for Mortdecai, by far his funniest scene is when he arrives at an L.A. hipster hotel, rides an elevator full of guys with ironic mustaches, and haughtily tells the too-cool concierge, “No, I do not need help with my bags. I have a fucking manservant!”

For that brief moment, Mortdecai is on to something, working the zanily dated character’s incongruity off the present. And then poof! It’s gone, and we’re back where we started: a bad mustache, over-the-top mannerisms, and mountains of mouldy cheese.

Comments

11 Comments

Shon Togan

Jan 27, 2015 at 3:02am

Johnny Depp is a bad actor. Seems like a nice fellow and all that clappertrap, but holy shit, he can't act to save his life. Stick with the tent pole gigs Johnny, until Pirates came along, you were treading water anyway.

Hazlit

Jan 27, 2015 at 6:01am

Given the general crap that film critics have ecstasies about this film really can't be that bad. Perhaps it's because there's no gratuitous violence or no nerdy loser who gets the girl.

I see a pattern

Jan 27, 2015 at 8:44am

Can anyone point to a comedy that the GS has reviewed favorably?

Adrian Mack

Jan 27, 2015 at 10:16am

Force Majeure!

J.M.T.

Jan 27, 2015 at 10:16am

I think this review is probably 'spot on'. Rated 'PU' as in stinky.

Ron Y

Jan 27, 2015 at 1:02pm

@pattern

I loved Guardians of the Galaxy...it is hella funny.

Adrian Mack

Jan 27, 2015 at 1:56pm

I remember when Patty Jones put The Other Guys on her year end top 10. And rightly so!

L-Dawg

Jan 27, 2015 at 5:44pm

I just saw it and I thought it was quite funny. It's a different kind of humor I suppose. Maybe not for everyone. I figure that the people who don't at least appreciate it a little really don't understand the concept or the genre very well. And that's okay. But if you liked the trailer, you'll laugh during the film.

PS- How does one become a critic of anything aside from having opinions and being able to write them down? I would really like to know. I think I could really do a fair job.

Miranda Nelson

Jan 27, 2015 at 6:00pm

Generally a critic knows a lot about a subject. Film critics don't just watch movies. They study movies, everything from script and plotting to performances and history.

Say you're reviewing a shitty film starring Johnny Depp. To do a useful job, you'd need to be familiar with Depp's past performances, what his strengths as an actor are, what is unique about what he's bringing to the role.

You'd also want to know the history and trademarks of the particular genre of the movie. Is it a caper comedy? You'll want to be familiar with the entire genre, including notable actors, directors, and films.

A reviewer would also look at the director of this terrible Johnny Depp film and analyze how/if the film fits into that person's oeuvre. Is this a film that was directed by someone who is primarily a script writer? How might that impact the final product?

A reviewer also knows a lot about the nuts and bolts about how a film is shot, edited, and presented. One must know about mise en scene, how a shot is framed, how the sound is edited, whether music is diegetic or not—basically the small details that a casual movie goer might not pick up on. Do these things overshadow the script or the performances?

A reviewer would also need familiarity with the source material (helps if you've read the book that a cinematic adaptation is based on).

To be a really successful film critic, a person would also study how other critics wrote about and analyzed film.

Finally, to be a critic, you have to decide <i>why</i> you want to be a critic? Is it because you have a deep and abiding love of film? Or do you just want to make a quick buck and see free movies? If you love film and writing, great! Start being a critic!

Much like a book reviewer must know about literature, a film critic must know about film—and not just the films he or she likes.