12. “Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985)
What’s Jason up to? He’s infamously nowhere near “A New Beginning,” the most divisive film in the “Friday the 13th” franchise. Danny Steinmann cut his movie-making teeth directing hardcore porn and that history shows in this seedy, boob-tastic slasher that swings between gory and goofy with a last act that makes next to no sense.
Who’s the final girl/boy? Pam Roberts (Melanie Kinnaman), a counselor at the juvenile delinquent rehab Pinehurst Youth Development Center. She’s completely helpless in the most boring way, surviving on sheer luck and constantly falling down in the mud. Plus, she seems like a genuinely terrible counselor. These kids need help!
Best kill: After accidentally fondling his girlfriend Tina McCarthy (Debi Sue Voorhees — yes, that’s really the actress’ name!) without realizing she’s ALREADY DEAD, Eddie Kelso (John Robert Dizon) gets pinned to a tree and has his head crushed with a leather belt steadily tightened around his eyes. This killer might not be Jason, but, damn, the guy has got style!
Final verdict: As a matter of canon, “A New Beginning” is so far removed from Jason that it could almost be disqualified from ranking. But functionally speaking, this is a proper “Friday the 13th” flick. It centers on a hockey mask-wearing dude mowing down a bunch of people and, like the David Gordon Green “Halloween” reboot, “A New Beginning” has fun creating a world of whacky characters to prop up what could be a fun whodunit. Sadly, a mean-spirited use of nudity (some of this cast did not have a fun time), woefully lacking in-universe logic, and some shockingly slack tension plunge it to the bottom of our Crystal Lake ranking. —AF