Turns out they can’t do this all day.
Yes, even Earth’s mightiest heroes have weaknesses, according to a new report on how aging will individually impact the Avengers.
From sleep deprivation to alcoholism, superheroes would eventually be dealing with some serious physical and mental health consequences from the demands of their calling, the study found.
The report’s methodology was simple: The pupils of science watched all 24 MCU films from “Iron Man” in 2008 to this year’s “Black Widow” to ascertain the potentially fatal weaknesses in a selected five frontline planetary defenders. Tough job, but somebody’s gotta do it, right?
Spider-Man, Iron Man, Black Panther, the Hulk and Black Widow were chosen “because they are well known, demonstrate notable characteristics, are reasonably diverse, and are representative of the broader superhero population with regard to age, sex, ethnicity, and super powers,” according to the researchers from the University in Queensland in Australia.
They added that some characteristics of their subjects couldn’t be studied because, well, they aren’t real. “The long term effects of being involuntarily teleported to a quantum realm for several years (a life event that many of the Marvel superheroes have experienced) could not be corroborated in animal or human studies, and thus such effects were not considered.”
Spider-Man
Peter Parker wasn’t lying when he told Mr. Stark he didn’t feel so good.
Researchers found that Spider-Man (Tom Holland) will be prone “to obesity, lower mental health, higher levels of pain and fatigue, and higher incidents of unintentional injuries” because of his nocturnal and combative lifestyle. He’s called night monkey for a reason after all.
It was even worse in the Sam Raimi films, where Spidey (Tobey Maguire) balanced crime fighting with being a full-time student and working simultaneously as both a photojournalist for the Daily Bugle and delivery man for the real-world Joe’s Pizza.
“He is not likely to be getting the recommended 8-10 hours of sleep for teenagers of his age,” the study reads, adding that the webslinger is also at risk of “substance misuse and eating disorders, reduced psychological wellbeing, and poorer self-rated health” due to the loss of his parents Richard and Mary Parker plus dear Uncle Ben.
Getting walloped by Captain America’s shield in “Civil War” is also a minus, as the traumatic head injury increased Spider-Man’s likelihood of dementia.
Though, Peter’s fond relationship with Aunt May (Marisa Tomei) in addition to new male role models like Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) and Happy Hogan (Jon Favreau) could offset those impacts.
Iron Man
Turns out being hooked up to a car battery in the cave of a terrorist organization and singlehandedly carrying a nuclear warhead into space isn’t ideal for one’s well-being.
It’s “difficult to ascertain whether Iron Man’s advantageous lifestyle factors” as a genius, billionaire, playboy and philanthropist who later settled down “can counteract [the] multiple physical injuries and post-traumatic stress disorder” that Stark has endured while protecting Earth.
There is also scientific proof that Tony Stark has a heart — one that’s ridden with chronic diseases that don’t categorize with conventional science since his arc reactor technology is still light-years ahead of us simpletons.
Due to that enigmatic electromagnetic chestpiece, it’s difficult for researchers to project how Stark’s heart would have aged (spoiler alert) had he survived “Endgame.”
“It is also unclear whether his armor offers sufficient protection from gravitational shifts and exposure to radiation during his occasional forays into space,” according to the report. “If not, Iron Man is likely to experience accelerated bone loss and a substantial increased risk of malignancy.”
Stark, “who is observed to binge drink,” also faces related risks to excessive alcohol consumption.
The Hulk
The sun’s getting real low for puny Bruce Banner (Mark Ruffalo).
Banner only transforms into the big green guy when his rapid heartbeat reaches a state of tachycardia at 200 beats per minute, suggesting “a predisposition to cardiac arrhythmias, which might indicate underlying cardiac disease.”
“Atrial fibrillation, the most common atrial arrhythmia, is strongly associated with an increased risk of stroke and dementia as well as overall death rate … symptomatic atrial fibrillation (Hulk certainly seems symptomatic) is associated with reduced functional status and health related quality of life.”
Having a body mass index of 120, whereas a BMI of 30 is considered obese, also leaves the Hulk inclined to a higher death rate, dementia and even frailty in old age, according to the study.
“Hulk’s BMI also raises pragmatic concerns around future access to appropriate healthcare, in terms of health service preparedness with specialist bariatric expertise, knowledge, and equipment,” per the research.
“Of further concern, Hulk seems to experience almost constant anger (‘That’s my secret Captain. I’m always angry’), which might lead to increased inflammation and comorbidity in advanced old age.”
That’s not to mention the effects that over 18 months of gamma radiation to semi-permanently transform into the Hulk — in addition to wielding the infinity stones — would also have on Banner.
Black Panther
Out of all the surveyed Avengers, it seems that King T’Challa (the late Chadwick Boseman) has led the healthiest lifestyle in the hidden kingdom of Wakanda.
“As sovereign, T’Challa is in a privileged position. His socioeconomic status, as evidenced by educational attainment and wealth, is associated with healthy aging and longevity, as is living in a wealthy country.”
The research also notes that the Black Panther’s vegetarian practices “are associated with healthy aging and reduced obesity and cardiometabolic diseases.”
On the downside for the king, his powers are sourced from the rare and mysterious “heart shaped herb,” which researchers categorized as a performance-enhancing drug, adding that in general “they are linked to increased death rate and a variety of adverse health effects and reduced quality of life.”
Black Widow
Exposure to “adverse childhood experiences, including abuse, neglect, and interpersonal conflict” after being ripped from her family to train as a global assassin and spy has left major health implications for Natasha Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson).
“These exposures increase her risk of physical and mental illnesses with aging because of alterations in physiological development and the adoption of damaging health related behaviours.”
Also, Black Widow’s forced sterilization while in the Red Room at as a teenager opened up another universe of health concerns for the Russian-agent-turned-hero.
“The resulting abrupt cessation of ovarian function at a young age has been linked to diseases, including osteoporosis, cardiovascular disease, dementia, and depression.
“Although it is possible that the Black Widow underwent hysterectomy without oophorectomy, nulliparity is associated with adverse outcomes, including higher all cause death rate.”
With all that considered, her tragic fall on the planet Vormir hits even harder.
Hawkeye
Though not mentioned by name, Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) is suffering from studied hearing loss in his latest Disney+ show.
As a montage of explosions and crashes vividly demonstrate in the series, Clint Barton’s many brushes with death have left him hard of hearing and in need of a hearing aid by late 2024 as he once again emerges from retirement.
Researchers found that because “superheroes are repeatedly in close proximity to interplanetary collisions and explosions” they are at risk of hearing loss, “which in turn is linked to an increased risk of cognitive impairment and dementia.
“Some of the superheroes, such as Hulk and Thor, have booming voices, potentially indicative of early sensorineural hearing loss.”
